Tales of Chronicles of Legends of Symphonia
by DatSpandex
Summary: In a world where cursed game systems exist that possess the human mind through voodoo magic, a multi-talented, DD-cup fangirl is given a final chance at redemption... which involves teaming up with a Kid, a Lobster and a Sex God to save the world.
1. The Boy Who Lived

Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived

Musical inspiration: Girlfriend-Avril Lavigne

_"Woah, I don't remember eating that."_

_-Some Guy_

What's up snively bitches. The names Kylee. And I am so non-conformist that I don't even breathe AIR. I assert that I'm a tomboy despite my vagina, I listen to YOUR favorite band, and I am now your favorite goddamn character.

Anyway.

I totally dig the shit out of JRPGs. Like NO one has body hair. It's freaking magical. And there's this one, called Tales of Symphonia, where everyone is REMARKABLY metrosexual. There was some bullshit in the story where you like go on a mission to a tower to keep the world from going to shit or something. IDK really but damn that Kratos guy has a fine ass in that purple spandex.

Not long ago I got this used GameCube from the GameStop that's like five minutes from my house. I'd busted the hell out of my old one when I played Shadow the Hedgehog for all of three minutes before I picked up and hurled that motherfucker against the WALL. I hate you Sega. You make me break all my nice shit.

There was one used GameCube in stock, and it was cheap as dirt, so I brought it up to the register. That was when the clerk game me this funny look.

"Just thought you should know, the person who traded in this system looked kind of sketchy. Like I'm talking crackhead sketchy. She was wearing rags and had all these weird hoodoo trinkets hanging off of her and shit. We don't inspect these things before reselling them but I thought you should know"

And I was like "k whatever" and bought it.

Took it home and plugged in my new-ass GameCube to give it a test drive. It was time to give that sexy Tales of Symphonia a spin. I'd finally borrowed it from my best friend, having watched her play it since forever at her house and now I was about to give it my first go. Shit was gonna be so cash.

But no. Of COURSE I can't just have a pleasant night of playing another generic JRPG with loli moes and bishie warlocks and fairy men. Of COURSE I can't just sit on my couch and grow a little more old and jaded with every second that I waste grinding the night away. No. NO.

Leonardo fucking DiCaprio has to walk into the room, squint at me and go

"WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER."

I shit my panties, and then everything went black.


	2. LSD and Pedophiles

Chapter 2: LSD and Pedophiles

Musical inspiration: So Yesterday-Hilary Duff

_"If you are going through hell, keep going."_

_-Winston Churchill_

"WHAT THE HELL LLOYD IRVING WHO IS THAT."

When I was next aware, I was draped sexily across the lap of some guy who CLEARLY fancied himself to be a lobster of some kind. Shattered bits of wooden roof was EVERYWHERE. Jesus, don't these people know how to CLEAN? Then I looked up. Oh. Hole in the roof. I'd… fallen? Through the roof of some brittle piece of crap shack? I stood up and pulled splinters out of my ass.

"Holy shit it's a girl IT'S A GIRL AND SHE'S IN MY LAP AND SHE'S INDIRECTLY TOUCHING MY HFNFGSD"

I'd somehow fallen inside a room full of people who were clearly in awe of my bomb-ass bod. They stared open-mouthed and everything. I think one guy came.

"The fuck are you people?"

"I could ask you the same thing! Who are YOU!" demanded some white-haired bitch who resembled a traffic cone on the rag.

"I'm Kylee. And your house is built like shit."

The bitch screamed at me a little bit before some bright-ass light came from outside. Everybody collectively shit themselves (even me a little bit, adding to the Leo-induced turd from before) before Lobster Man shot up out of his chair.

"COLETTE DON'T GO YOU WERE MY ONLY SHOT AT LOSING MY VIRGINITY"

Some other blond girl whose shit was clearly retarded giggled and farted. And then she left.

Jesus Christ what the hell did I snort before I passed out?

The Professor woman left in a torrential rage of period blood and I was left to deal with all her little shits. Also, the fuck, was that a human-shaped hole in the wall?

The Human Lobster, whose name was apparently Lloyd, threw some little ass kid over his shoulder like a pedo making off with his latest catch and took the hell off out the door, screeching about the object of his penile desires.

I was like, fuck.

I may have been tripping my shit, but I wasn't gonna like, let some sexually repressed lobster do weird things to that little boy. So I followed all pissed as shit.

Turns out I was in some rural-ass village somewhere in some third world country. Funzies. People hardly turned to glance as that lobster kid ran the hell past with a screaming kid in his clutches. Was EVERYONE here high? SERIOUSLY.

Okay so finally I caught up with that little shit at the base of this tower place. And I was like.

"You better fucking put that kid down. It'll be okay! There's ALWAYS another chance to get vagina!"

And that was when some asshole fell down the stairs to the tower and died like a retard.

"WHEN WILL THIS HIGH WEAR OFF GOD DAMN"

Anyway some shit was happening and I guess some dickmunches were being all mean and shit inside the place, killing guys. Lloyd put the squeaky kid down and seemed to regain his will to live or something. Armed with two twigs, he went to check it out, because, you know, two sticks are going to save you from imminent ass-raping. And that's when I had a thought.

"Hahaha oh my god this sort of thing only happens in JRPGS-"

…

"Oh FUCK ME"

Yeah, I wasn't high, I was inside this game, god help me I was going to die.

I'd only wanted to appreciate hotties and logic errors from the other side of a SCREEN, not fucking LIVE IT. I was too sexy. I'd be raped into oblivion. It was inevitable.

"GameStop had BETTER ACCEPT RETURNS."


	3. The Kid, The Lobster and the Sex God

Chapter 3: The Kid, The Lobster and the Sex God

Musical inspiration: Insert Any Linkin Park Song Here. Am I Hilarious Yet

_"I hate pedophiles. They're disgusting and should be killed by bears."_

_-Me_

So Lloyd the Dumbass went running inside this tower full of soldier guys who were killing other guys. And he was armed with fucking two sprigs of alfalfa or some shit. What a retard. So naturally I ran in there to save his stupid ass, because with boobs you can achieve anything.

Little screamy kid came too. I guess he was already Lloyd's lover or something. So when we got inside these assholes were slap-chopping the shit out of these guys in there. And so I flashed them with my barely-legal boobs and they all fell over dead.

"NEVER go anywhere without breasts AGAIN. It's fucking COMMON SENSE."

Lloyd's alfalfa sprouts sagged with sadness and shame.

And that's when the sexiest thing that ever happened to a vagina walked into the room.

"Holy shit what the fuck."

His voice made an ocean in my panties. His purple spandex clung to his tight bod. He had a sword and he was dripping with testosterone and SEX.

I figured that if HE decided to rape me in cold blood that this whole ordeal wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"Be gentle on me~" I purred.

He slapped me aside like the bad bitch I was and I came before I hit the GROUND.

So as I writhed on the floor in ecstasy I guess Lloyd whined at the newcomer some and found out that his name was Kratos and he was hired to protect that blond girl with no brain from earlier. Did I mention she has no boobs? I digress.

After I remembered how to walk we went deeper inside this tower place and found the retard girl, who giggled and farted hard with delight at seeing Lloyd again. I guess she went here because she's some special Chosen bitch who gets to become an angel and save the world from apocalypse.

I don't really know or care. All JRPGS are the same, duh, I'm just in it for the sex bomb Kratos.

So anyway Chosentard is named Colette and Lloyd is hell bent on banging her at some point, so he insisted that he go with her on her journey of melodrama and fuck. You know, to "protect" her. Screamy kid, I mean Genis, was concerned that his lover might leave him for a mentally handicapped moeblob, and so he was in on it too.

No way was I going to let Sex God out of my sight, now that I was here. So, that seemed to settle it for me. I turned to the three of them, the kid, the lobster and the sex god, and I stated my case.

"You guys are gonna need these tits."


End file.
